Cold Days

Rain is not my friend.
I hate when:
my shoes get wet
i can't find socks
my package takes forfuckingever to arrive
i'm in too deep
my heater doesn't give out heat
buying something is the only cure
i call first
i wish i live in a gg episode
people i know become people i knew

I love when:
i'm snuggled inside with a blanket and a movie when it's raining outside
i can check something off my list
there are christmas cartoons on
i eat ice cream in the rain
i sleep early
i get calls
i'm warm

shit changed we all know it. i've been avoiding it and i probably still am because it's hard to accept that we don't...we can't hold a simple conversation without an awkward silence. maybe it'll change, but maybe it'll just be like this. it sucks but thats life i guess

HAHA

I don't want to do my homework and its midnight so i have a feeling I'll be up till 3. Lately I've been addicted to lots of makeup, sushi, and jean leggings. After the discovery of a plastic card that is capable of online purchases, I've been hooked. And today after much youtubing, facebooking, and all that other technological crap there is, I've decided to check all my stuff daily from now on and actually reply to people. Being technologically challenged as I am, I don't know how to upload pictures, so I will be working on that too...
Life has been nothing like it has before recently. Except for my lazy sundays where I stay home and lag on homework, everything's changed. Now i know what it's like to be one of those girls. It's been a long time since I've been one of them, it feels...nice. Now I get why everyone is so crazy for it. But hopefully my positive attitude doesn't kill it all because, for some reason, when I think everything is good something happens and boom its not at all. haha but whatever the cup is half full. ButI'm not saying that's why things have been good. I've finally let myself accept the truth and I'm actually ok. The one down side to everything is that I am in this big dgaf hole with school. It's like I gave up and I just don't care anymore, but I need to. Hopefully after Thanksgiving I get a new jolt of inspiration to keep trying. Well thats it toodle doo

Happy birffdayy dadd

Haha yum two rounds of sushi and two rounds of shaved ice hehe thanks Johnny ...or Janie hahaha
Sunday was one of the best nights of my life. I touched Jesse mccartneys hand, almost got a picture of Miley Cyrus but then her security guard stopped me, haha and of course because I spent it with two of my favs michael and janie:)
Everything is completely flipped around lately which is good for me but I have an icky feeling that everything is gonna flip back and I'll be left with the short end of the stick...again. Haha maybe I'm just being paranoid, but the last thing I want is for the past to repeat itself. I can only take so much crap in one year so let's hope you don't have a second personality too.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

STORY

A little bit of breaking down never hurt a person. It's just somehting everyone has to do to be able to accept everything that has happened, changed, not changed, gone completely wrong, and just let everything sink in i guess. So thats good, its a good thing and really it makes you a stronger person i think. anywhoooo...

my last story was really good and unexpected out of me and it was crazy and unpredictable. But now im cut dry. life is pretty boring this way though . I'm not talking about something insane and just wtf like last time but a little spark and a tiny splash or crazy is nice. A little bit of fun would be great too. nothing too serious just something i can smile about. So my goal or homework for the summer: have a story to tell and get all red in the face about!

I was just thinking...

Someone asked me a few days ago... Nothing's happened to you since the last time we talked.. nothing?  And I just said no and laughed. Gosh isn't that the story of my life. Sure things happen I mean I ace a test, I fail a test, I eat ice cream, I drop my ice cream, but other than things like that no nothing. The last big thing or slightly important thing that happened in my life was... well what I would call now completely irrelevant. Something that just isn't bareable to think about anymore so you just don't and classify it as unimportant... nothing...meaningless. I mean I guess there are the little things, people, that came in and out pretty fast. But that's also what I would call irrelevant. Those things that happen to just make me laugh cause in reality we need some of those true irrelevant things just to distract us from what's important. Sure I might be trying to get away from something. And sure I might have dreams of the best possible thing to happen. But then I wake up and realize if that did happen, it might just be the worst thing ever. So yeah nothings happened. Nothing important anyways. The outcome is still the same. I'm as same as ever. A little torn up, a bit broken down, but I'm the same. Always will be. Well hopefully not always cause what can I say life always needs a little shaking up even if it means your world comes crashing down or you get your fifteen minutes of happiness.  

What a day!

I swear it was the most random day yesterday. $5swimsuits, shoes galore, my fav person, nerve wrecking interview, jackie chan spotting, beach stop, and then hours long phone calls with the person i hate the most=). how fun and to top it off the sweetest thing with cameron diaz and old chick flicks. how funn!=) now only if i didnt have summerschool to look forward to i would have to say it was the perfect day. oh well! who has chem withyuwongthis summer? im excited.....

Amazing.

Just because someone makes your heart flutter that doesn't mean you're meant to be.
Oh the wonderful words of Ugly Betty.
School's out in a long 8 days! I can't wait for tanning by the pool, mexican corn from the trucks, morning "runs", afternoon naps, boba everyday, and fun fun nights=). All after summer school or in the two weeks prior to summer school of course. but during that 2 month period of chem I'll be hitting the books at the nearest starbucks. With the end of school comes the end of so many other things too. But i just hopes its not the end as in forver the end.

Good things.

With all my bad luck lately some good things better be coming my way. It's just so funny to me sometimes cause all these things never seem to happen to other people besides on TV. I feel as if everyone's life has just been copy and pasted from a Gossip Girl or 90210 script except all less dramatic. I love having a free fifth and sixth now.=) I mind as well joust leave school after lunch, but too bad no car, or license, or permit, or pink slip for that matter. I really should get on it or else I'll be a rideless senior.
My weekend after AP:
Three words: FUN, SUPER FUN!=)
Anywho! School's over in a short three weeks! I'll miss the seniors love you guys!

Truly,

I'm just tired.
Tired of this mess of mine
Tired of being like this
Tired of not being comfortable
Tired of that feeling at the pit of my stomach
Tired of my circumstances
What can I say? I'm tired of my life. And all I want to do is forget, yet everything keeps creeping up on me to remind me that this is my reality. And I hate that the most. So, you know what? FUCK IT. It has worn me to my core to keep on caring and keep on bringing up my memories and feelings. All I want is to live and breathe at peace and the only thing that's keep me from doing so, is that I care. I just wish I didn't, but one day I'm going to wake up and I won't have to say I don't care cause I won't.
On a lighter note...
What can I say about this weekend? HAHA, wtf!, Oh shit, and thanks. Thanks for the ride jj, thanks for trying alan, sorry leon=(! Maybe we'll try again next time.

BUT for now I seriously, truly need to forget this shit.

Adventure of my Life.

Right now is just another road block on the adventure of my life. Finally, I think I've realized that even though now seems like the end of the world as my heart breaks, my mind is blown, my stomach sinks, and my life seems to collapse, the worst is hopefully over and there can be nothing but up from here. When I think of the past, the first things that pop into my mind are early morning sunrises, late nights busts, after track hangouts, walks up and down hills, and summer "jogs", not the no ride crisis, popo alerts, or just fucked up people. So I hope a year from now, I can look back and see all the good times and none of the bad times we've had because I want to remember you as my friend not an ass. Right now, may not be good, but I hope it doesn't block the memorable times we had. Somehow things got like this, I know they weren't suppose to cause that's not how we planned it. At first I put all the blame on you, but the games started and you made the first move so here I am playing your game. Hopefully, before it's too late, things will be back to how they were before, cause not-so-secretly, I miss it and I hate how this is.

Ouch,

That hurt. Too fast. Too much emotion. Too little time. Too much thought. Too little moments. What can I say? It didn't go exactly as planned or at all. The ending was inevitable, but did it have to be right now? YES. Yes it did. So the question is what now?

Prioritize

Prioritize, the act of discovering what is important to you and accomplishing those things first. It's often difficult to discover what you're truly passionate about and why you are apart of the things you are a part of, but once you do your life seems to fall in place. Lately, my life has been a shattered mess made up of many other bits and pieces of the past. It's time for me to understand that not everything will just be given to me and for things I truly want, I need to work hard for it. I need to start devoting myself to the things I really like because right now my actions are unacceptable.

You're a piece of work.

I'm so confused and frustrated and so whatever! I've just stopped caring and all I want is spring break to come so I can just sleep for 48 hours straight and then wake up and study for the other 120 hours.
I want:
to chill
to know the future
to be on the same page
to be on top of things
to take control
to click fast forward on life
to do nothing
to stare at the clouds
to worry about nothing
to explode and collect myself
to get my stitches out
to go into a body of water without sticking out my hand
to watch a sunrise
to say out all night
to sleep for hours and hours
to watch all of greek starting from season 1
I don't want:
to study
to be confused
to go to school
to read slob

Late start tomorrow and all I want is coffee!

The Future.

Basically to keep from freaking out from what's going to happen in the next five minutes, five days, five months, five years is to have a plan and act on it. My plan is... nonexistent and that makes me want to freak out and push everything away. Essentially all I want to do is run away from everything right now I just want to not think about anything. I don't want to think about the past, the present, nor the future because it's just going to make me go crazy. I want to lie on the grass and stare at the clouds and just embrace the nothingness of the sky. I hate how easily I can drive myself from completely content and rather joyful with my life to being ashamed and torn apart by it. Things have been going crazy outside of my little bubble I call my daily routine and it's time for me to pop my bubble and see reality!!

1. I miss you so much. I regret that we never made time to go around and see you and to just spend time with you. Whenever we would I would always get scared of what might happen that I couldn't say anything because fear overwhelmed me. But all I want you to know now is that I love you.
2. I know you miss him so much more than the rest of us. I know you're lonely so I promise to visit more often and keep you company. I love you.
3. I don't know what happened that night, but I do know that it changed everything forever. We all need a talk to set this straight cause the situation now is not good.
4. I hate that i can't read you like I could before. It's like suddenly this cloud serves as my glasses and well, let's just say that I can't see a thing anymore. But I do know that it can't be like this cause its not going to work.
5. You're a little, a lot, self-involved. We get it you think you're hot , a bunch of guys think you're hot, and are trying to get at you. Just shut the hell up before someone bursts! And one more thing stop getting at everyone without boobs and a decent face.
6. You're right we have drifted a part in the last few weeks. I've been so preoccupied with crap that it's ridiculous. But things are going to be different I promise!
7. You guys are a little more ... crazy than I thought! I thought my stories were ridiculous, but yours beat mine by a long shot. We have to go do some things sometime. ha!
8. I'm sick of hearing "I'm over it I'm over it. That's not my scene" That stuff was practically invented for you!

Time flies.

When things are out of hand and just too much to handle time seems to pause and focus in to the drama and the emotions that are flying. Time seems to torment us at the worst possible moments and yet time also helps us get over these dreaded memories. When things are fun and perfect, time seems to pass us by without our notice. Time tells us that perfect never lasts and problems will always continue to occur. Bask in whatever time there is now and enjoy every single moment with everyone because you don't know when they'll be gone. I need to stop wasting my time with those people I don't like or pretend to like because it's a waste of my time.

This weekend was nice, I wish it could be like tis every weekend. I had yogurtland for the first time twice. Thanks vincent and senglee! The track meet was whatevers, but I basically missed all of my Euro class. Ate afterwards at Millies and then to come back to see that evrything was gone! So we decided to go eat yogurtland. =) yumm. Long talks about everything and the rate game could never be as fun than with you. hah! Then shared some of crazy stories and almost killed a girl with a hockey puck. Taken is the most intense movie i have ever seen and makes me think twice before visiting europe ever. And it went from yes to nevermind to no to maybe to yes to oh gosh i haven't a clue anymore! Wow so much can change in just two days.

Don't get your panties in a bunch!

I am paranoid, curious, boy crazed, embarrassed, happy, sad, nervous,anxious, fed-up, proud, joyous, confused, tummy-knotted, scared, excited, and just plain glad to be alive. I haven't felt this wonderful and terrible at the same time, in a long time. It's nice to be out of my slum of the same thing over and over and even better to have people I can just say random things to. It makes life so much more interesting when at every corner there's someone who can make my stomach do cartwheels. Finally, things are in a nice...groove? haha I don't know what it's called but whatever it is its good. I can actually just stare off into space and daydream and think of nothing. Why though. That's a great question that I don't even know the answer to. But it doesn't matter because I feel happy and that is all.