it's a funny thing

At times its a tad ironic that the poeple you are the most annoyed of at times are the people you are around the most and the ones you want to be around you just don't seem to have the time. As much as I miss it all and as much as i try to try i just can't there is always some sort of obstacle to conquer and its too hard. For some odd reason life does this it pulls you into situations, places, and people that you just learn to tolerate and you get use to it. You may miss how it was, how it once was and its wierd to think that it seems that noone else misses it. Everyone settles for the now and yet your the only one that misses everything. Even as the tears fall you can't glue it all back together back to when you guys were close. And how come I can never say it, truly say it I don't know either. Even if it feels as if Im left out i say nothing I keep silent cause silence just makes life ten times easier. Hiding it all makes it so much easier. If everything were out in the open then maybe its all really true not just in my head. I'd like to say I'm strong and my life is perfect, but... That one thing that doesn't seem to be that important is tearing it all down and somehow one of these days everything will tip over and everything will be exposed. And am i ready for that? no. I'm not ready to let anyone know anything Im not ready to let people think I care Im not ready for people to know that i know whats going on Im not ready for anyone even the ones that seem the closest to me to pity me to think i was strong to know just about anything Im not ready but maybe ill just have to get ready and soon cause i cant take it anymore i cant take waking up and feeling like shit. i cant take going to sleep feeling like shit i cant take going through the day knowing i can no longer say those few words anymore to think that they were right. To admit it was so close for you to be gone to think that he could just take it even though you offered it hurts and it hurts alot to think that soon it might all end and i cant seem to gather the right words for you to tell you how much you meant to me to tell you that im thankful for it all. the words are on the tip of my tongue but i cant say it but hopefully you know. and you oh you wow i cant believe you. you make life so difficult for everyone you seem to live to make evreyone suffer everyone. you fucked it all up once and i really hope you dont again cause i really enjoy life as it is now i cant picture life any other way and yet you can yet you seem to think any other person would let you do what you do. if it were anyone else you would sleep at 9 you would be forced to go wherever you might even be in fuckin boot camp so seriously fuck you fuck evrything about you. you dont appreciate a single thing and only when things are messed up enough you decide maybe i should give in. well your a huge asshole i hope you know.but you know what in spite of that ill always care ill always be there ill always love you even if you dont think i do. and you, you run away at the first sight of a problem you tell me you hate what you are then why dont you fully run awya get out of my life i use you for one thing and one thing only and i can live without it but i know why your still here youre here for him you care for noone else but him but hes the big asshole here and for somereason you care for him then take him! id be thankful for both of you gone. i wish i could know jsut know that i have you two but at times im so unsure.